Subject: Activities

The most important item in an order will no longer be available.

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

One night I was playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Knitting: An exercise that gives women something to do when they are talking.

You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Whenever I feel the need for exercise I go and lie down for half an hour until the feeling passes.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

I could only teach him how to juggle his books.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

(1867 – 1936) author & humorist

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My grandma used to say “Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn,” and I’d say “Shut your f**king Klaxon I’m driving!” … Oh we had fun.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author

I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows; when I woke up, my pillow was missing.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

I reckoned if my boobs got any lower I would have to buy them their own pair of shoes.

(1959 – ) British novelist

If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive your order. If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before your angry letter reaches its destination.

First of all, if you are gambling and you've gotta get change for a nickel – it's over.


Do you ever do one chore, and then celebrate that for ten years?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare with the guns, the gangs, the drugs – and I'm home schooling them.

American comedian & writer

The game of life is always called on account of darkness.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
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