Subject: Activities

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

I just got out of the hospital… I had my mother removed from my back.

comedian & television writer

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle… it wasn’t mine.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My first rule of consumerism is never to buy anything you can’t make your children carry.

American author

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

(1982 – ) American author

At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and that fits you is the one not in the sale.

Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home.

I tried cocaine to lose weight… it just made me eat faster.

(1953 – ) American comedian & actor

Bridge: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding.

My Big Sister Takes Drugs

Presidents don’t do it to their wives; they do it to their country.

(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer

Do you know what’s easier than putting on sunscreen? … not going outside.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Jim: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?

Elaine Nardo: A lot.

Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!

(1938 – ) American actor

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.

(1910 – 1999) American test pilot (Northrup Aircraft)

Ever notice that Soup For One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

(1952 – ) comedian

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Sound Sleeper: Someone who snores.

My friend’s snoring is so bad his wife bought one of those anti-snoring devices; I believe it’s called a Taser.

American speaker, humorist & singer-songwriter

All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely than others.

Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I’ll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.

(1920 – 1994) German-born author & poet

The Hunger Site