Subject: Activities

If I drop out of school, where am I gonna find drugs?

Palestinian/American comedian

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her.


Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows; when I woke up, my pillow was missing.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

There is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

Sometimes the road is less traveled for a reason.

Leisure tends to corrupt, and absolute leisure corrupts absolutely.

Customs is punishment for those who travel.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor

The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out lane.

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist

Cocaine isn’t habit forming; I should know, I’ve been taking it for years.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian – you know, quitting meat – because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.

(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian

There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I donated blood today… that's what I call getting an AIDS test.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

Sex is like a game of bridge… if you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

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