Subject: Activities

And he’s lost both right front tires.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

Under an assumed name.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist

Let crack and heroin be manufactured by the pharmaceutical companies, that way nobody can afford them.

American comedian & writer

Racehorse: A fast means of redistributing wealth.

Smoking is a dying habit.

(1948 – ) British politician

I ran three miles today… finally I said, ‘Lady take your ‘purse.'

(1956 – ) American comedian

You might be a redneck if… you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch television.

(1953 – ) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian

He can’t decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

I go running when I have to – like when the ice cream truck is going 60, or I need a lift to the bakery.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" and I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

We’re lost, but we’re making good time.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Snoring: Sheet music.

It is an undoubted truth, that the less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.

Lord Chesterfield (1694 – 1773) British statesman

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… well, it's killing me!

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

Did you know that they teach skydiving classes? …No way, man, I’m not taking any class that’s graded pass/die.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.

American comedian & musician
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