Subject: Activities

In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor

Anybody who plays the stock market not as an insider is like a man buying cows in the moonlight.

(1797 – 1879) American businessman & speculator

The score never interested me, only the game.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

(1925 – 2001) actor & musician

The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it; if you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Sometimes the road is less traveled for a reason.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Dancing is a wonderful training for girls, it’s the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist

People who say that money can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.

(1958 – ) Australian author

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.

American football coach

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, – meaning “ability to,” and bics, – meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

(1907 – 1973) poet & critic

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

We had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought me Viagra; I bought her a treadmill.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

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