Subject: Activities

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

(1964 – ) English comedian

Sometimes I get really lonely… especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I’ll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.

(1920 – 1994) German-born author & poet

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

… what is your host’s purpose in having a party; surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Yoga is basically spending an entire hour trying to not fart.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian

I gotta quit smoking, doctor’s orders… and the drinking, court orders.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter

Bargain: Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist.

Eleven months’ hard work and one month’s acute disappointment.

British businessman & politician

I played a great horse yesterday; it took seven horses to beat him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg… I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’

comedian

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

I yield to no one in my admiration for the office as a social center, but it’s no place actually to get any work done.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

Giving up smoking is easy… I've done it hundreds of times.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist













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