Subject: Activities

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

How to be a Drug Dealer

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement, and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.

comedian & actor

Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother’s vacation.

The most important item in an order will no longer be available.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

If you start to clean your desk in the spare bedroom you will probably have to clean the garage to find what you need to finish cleaning the desk.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There are only two categories in cliff diving; there's 'Grand Champion' and 'Stuff on a Rock.'

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian

I don't need drugs anymore, thank God; I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor

Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of stark terror.

disc jockey, screenwriter & humorist

My Big Sister Takes Drugs

Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.

(1963 – ) American comedian

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop.

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

1. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 2. If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway. 3. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 4. If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

They say the best exercise takes place in the bedroom; I believe it, because that's where I get the most resistance.


1. Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach. 2. A free agent is anything but. 3. Whatever can go to New York will..

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