Subject: Activities

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' … it's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Don't worry, I'm merely catching up with sleep.

There is no halftime for cheerleaders!

We’re lost, but we’re making good time.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Few men know how to kiss well. Fortunately, I've always had time to teach them.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

There is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.


The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist

Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of stark terror.

disc jockey, screenwriter & humorist

Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.


Ability is the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

One of my friends went on a murder weekend… now he is doing life for it.

(1961 – ) English standup comedian, actor & writer

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor

I am pushing sixty… that is enough exercise for me.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.

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