Subject: Activities

My friend died doing what he loved… heroin.

Canadian-American comedian, writer & columnist

Bowling: Marbles for grown-ups.

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout; that's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

(1956 – 2016) American stand-up comedian & actor

t school, Applied Math was all about working out grams and dollars… we called it Crystal Math.

comedian

Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I was having difficulty deciding if I wanted to purchase this bed I was looking at, so the salesman told me… sleep on it.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke” … but to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

You don’t get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

(1949 – ) American actress

If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet it's not $19.95.

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

It is to be observed that ‘angling’ is the name given to fishing by people who can’t fish.

(1869 – 1944) Canadian economist & humorist

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Do I lift weights? … Sure, every time I stand up.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window; you may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' … it's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked ‘petite’ and hold on to the receipt.

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer