Subject: Activities

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Identity Thief starts off moronic and then goes downhill.

British broadcaster, writer & film critic

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I love blackjack… but I'm not addicted to gambling… I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I can’t exercise for long; when I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.

comedian

I married a German; every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian

Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.

If I drop out of school, where am I gonna find drugs?

Palestinian/American comedian

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?

comedian

When you need towns, they are very far apart.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

(1917 – 1993) British composer & novelist

Did you know that they teach skydiving classes? …No way, man, I’m not taking any class that’s graded pass/die.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

The most important item in an order will no longer be available.

Insomnia: contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.

(1934 – 1997) journalist

You might be a redneck if… the Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Short Vacation: Half a loaf.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people: the good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian