Subject: Activities » Drugs

Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, radio personality & author

Let crack and heroin be manufactured by the pharmaceutical companies, that way nobody can afford them.

American comedian & writer

There are three side effects of acid; enhanced long term memory, decreased short term memory… and I forget the third.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to do drugs; I still do, but I used to, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

If I seem out of it tonight, it's 'cause I'm hooked on phonics.


You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor

When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.

American comedian & television host

I’m addicted to placebos; I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer

I don't need drugs anymore, thank God; I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?


Cocaine isn’t habit forming; I should know, I’ve been taking it for years.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress

You might be a redneck if… you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Follow seven beers with a couple of Scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own.

(1921 – 2001) Welsh comedian & singer

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