Subject: Activities (Page 3)

I knew my parents hated me because my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What do gardeners do when they retire?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

You might be a redneck if… you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The fantasy of every Australian man is to have two women – one cleaning and the other dusting.

Australian comedian & actress

You know you are getting older when “Happy Hour” is a nap.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.

I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal; let me rephrase that – I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.

American comedian & writer

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.

If I drop out of school, where am I gonna find drugs?

Palestinian/American comedian

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

(1922 – ) comedian & actor

So drug dealers don’t find it funny when you ask for a receipt?

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

comedian

You might be a redneck if… the Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?


Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The only cultural advantage L.A. has over New York is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian













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