Subject: Activities (Page 37)

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor
Sex Shopping Situations

The game [of poker] exemplifies the worst aspects of capitalism that have made our country so great.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
Activities Games

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Eating Food/Drink Housework

I am pushing sixty… that is enough exercise for me.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities Age Exercise

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Husbands Marriage Shopping Wives

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

No matter which direction you start it’s always against the wind coming back.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.

American sports executive
Activities Basketball Sports

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Things Time Travel

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


Situations Sleep

We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.

professional hockey player
Activities Hockey Misspokements

For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3:00 a.m.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities Sleep Time

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Customs is punishment for those who travel.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities Travel

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

(1953 – ) American singer, songwriter, actor, author & radio personality
Activities Alcohol

A truly reckless driver is one who passes you when you are already exceeding the speed limit.

Activities Driving

Bargain: Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist.

Activities Definitions Shopping

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Games

I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics: Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? … The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Activities Government Politics Travel

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

(1937 – 2005) journalist & author
Alcohol Drugs Life Self