Subject: Activities (Page 39)

Advice to anglers: don't take advice from people with missing fingers.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

Underwater Swimmer: One who practices submersive activitites.

Men – because of a tragic flaw – cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Customs is punishment for those who travel.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor

The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.

The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.

We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?


I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist

My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it.. so finally I went out and bought some slippers.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I love blackjack… but I'm not addicted to gambling… I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

How to be a Drug Dealer

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Three o’clock in the morning, you can get truck tires, falafel and a bag of heroin – in the same store.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad; the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.

When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

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