Subject: Activities (Page 39)

They say the best exercise takes place in the bedroom; I believe it, because that's where I get the most resistance.


All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

And he’s lost both right front tires.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian

Those who live closest arrive latest.

The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase.
Corollaries: 1. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy.”

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down… or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more.

Insomnia: contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

No, I'm not a good shot, but I shoot often.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president

My idea of gambling was walking through Central Park, whistling show tunes.

(1939 – ) American actor, dancer, singer, producer & choreographer

You give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but you teach a man to fish and you’ve saved yourself a fish haven’t you?”

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host

Excuse the mess but we live here.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer