Subject: Activities (Page 39)

The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Activities

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Games

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Housework Work

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.

(1932 – 2017) comedian, social activist, critic & writer
Activities Elections/Voting Government Places Sports

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities God

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Housework Women Work

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Government Men Occupations People Work

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It’s been along for years… it’s called cash.

(1962 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities People Shopping Women

Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

(1894 – 1985) British fiction writer
Activities Life

I think Foosball© is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Sleep

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

I’d like to marry a nice domesticated homosexual with a fetish for wiping down Formica and different vacuum-cleaner attachments.

(1960 – ) English comedian, novelist & actress
Housework Marriage Men

I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quit football.

American football player
Activities Drugs Football Sports

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Education Occupations Sleep

I married a German; every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian
Activities Conflict Places Sex

It’s easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Activities People Travel

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things