Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 4)
Presidents don’t do it to their wives; they do it to their country.
Mel Brooks
(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer
Activities
Government
President
Sex
Wives
Country
I love blackjack… but I'm not addicted to gambling… I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Addictions
Blackjack
The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.
Murphy's Third Law for Husbands
Husbands
Murphy’s Laws
Shopping
Wives
Gifts
Neighbors
Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Characteristics
Exercise
Work
Judgement
Laziness
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Problems
Sleep
Dreams
Nightmares
The fantasy of every Australian man is to have two women – one cleaning and the other dusting.
Maureen Murphy
Australian comedian & actress
Housework
People
Women
Australia
Fantasies
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink
Situations
Sleep
Dreams
Shredded wheat
Shopping is probably the most underrated contact sport in the world.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities
Shopping
Men can say things in stores women can't believe like, "but I already have a pair of black pants.”
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Men
People
Shopping
Speech
Women
Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Driving
Family
Fathers
Smoking is a dying habit.
Virginia Bottomley
(1948 – ) British politician
Activities
Smoking
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers – they’re going to make a game out of it.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Activities
Death
Games
People
Self
Memoirs
Parker Brothers
Sleep is death without the responsibility.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities
Sleep
Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.
G.K. Chesterton
(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Activities
The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.
Paul Reiser
(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Things
Appliances
Xbox
Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
Wernher von Braun
(1912 – 1977) German-born rocket engineer
Activities
Work
Research
Underwater Swimmer: One who practices submersive activitites.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Underwater Swimmer
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Animals
Sleep
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.
Irish proverb
Activities
Health
Proverbs
Sleep
Laughter
I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?
Arj Barker
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Drugs
Situations
Boredom
Shoes
… what is your host’s purpose in having a party; surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
P.J. O'Rourke
(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Activities
Parties
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