Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 5)
People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.
Sinclair Lewis
(1885 – 1951) American novelist, short-story writer & playwright
Activities
Shopping
Things
I got a new shadow… I had to get rid of the other one… it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Things
Shadow
I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quit football.
Ricky Williams
American football player
Activities
Drugs
Football
Sports
You know how you're going to die, you just don't know when.
Julian McCullough
comedian
Activities
Death
Places
Bicycles
Riding in New York City
If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.
Jarod Kintz
(1982 – ) American author
Activities
Situations
Hitchhiking
Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.
Drunkard’s Law
Activities
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Dancing
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
Leo J. Burke
Situations
Sleep
Babies
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.
Lewis Grizzard Jr.
(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Marriage
Situations
Sleep
Alone
Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Animals
Games
Gambling
Snake eyes
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Situations
Sleep
Cabinet meetings
Emergencies
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.
Charles Kuralt
(1934 – 1997) journalist
Activities
America
Autos
Places
Travel
Interstate Highways
A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.
Graditor's Second Law
Murphy’s Laws
Shopping
Things
Price
Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Shopping
Situations
Things
Time
I’ve never been swimming, and that’s because it’s never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
Artie Lange Jr.
(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, radio personality & author
Activities
Eating
Food/Drink
Sports
Swimming
Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
Nick Offerman
(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Activities
TV/Movie Quotes
As Ron Swanson in “Parks and Recreation”
Fishing
Exercise freaks… are the ones putting stress on the health care system.
Rush Limbaugh
(1951 – ) American conservative radio talk-show host
Activities
Exercise
People
Stupidity
Health care
He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities
Frugal
Money
Sports
Jack Benny
Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
Nick Offerman
(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Activities
TV/Movie Quotes
As Ron Swanson in “Parks and Recreation”
On bowling
A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Activities
Relationships
Vacations
You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?
Vanessa Hollingshead
Shopping
Situations
There are plenty of good five cent cigars in the country… the trouble is they cost a quarter.
Franklin Adams
(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Activities
Money
Cigars
Smoking
Page 5 of 41
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