Subject: Activities (Page 5)

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.

(1885 – 1951) American novelist, short-story writer & playwright

I got a new shadow… I had to get rid of the other one… it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quit football.

American football player

You know how you're going to die, you just don't know when.

comedian

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

(1982 – ) American author

Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.


People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.

(1934 – 1997) journalist

A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I’ve never been swimming, and that’s because it’s never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, radio personality & author

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter

Exercise freaks… are the ones putting stress on the health care system.

(1951 – ) American conservative radio talk-show host

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?


There are plenty of good five cent cigars in the country… the trouble is they cost a quarter.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist