Subject: Activities (Page 5)

A friend of mine recently joked that his mobile phone will beat Magnus Carlsen; I said, ‘What are you talking about? My microwave could beat Magnus Carlsen.’

(1965 – ) British chess grandmaster & chess writer

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

1. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 2. If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway. 3. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 4. If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it.

Under an assumed name.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist

Smoking is one of leading causes of statistics.

(1911 – 1993) columnist & novelist

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.

American comedian & motivational speaker

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.

I donated blood today… that's what I call getting an AIDS test.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

I just hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I am tired of walking 5Ks.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

Man is the only animal that plays poker.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist

The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist

Fishing: A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people: the good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

… what is your host’s purpose in having a party; surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist