Subject: Activities (Page 5)

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one; it didn't come in until half-past five.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own.

(1921 – 2001) Welsh comedian & singer

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

I think Foosball© is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Leisure tends to corrupt, and absolute leisure corrupts absolutely.


He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it.. so finally I went out and bought some slippers.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal; let me rephrase that – I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.

American comedian & writer

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase.
Corollaries: 1. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy.”

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian

There are three side effects of acid; enhanced long term memory, decreased short term memory… and I forget the third.


You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

(1934 – 1997) journalist

Life is like a game of poker: If you don’t put any in the pot, there won’t be any to take out.

(1894 – 1975) American comedian

President Bush wants to spend $7 billion this year to fight the drug dealers in Colombia… but they only earn $3 billion a year; so why don't we pay them $4 billion a year not to grow the cocaine?

American comedian & writer

I think, in 10 years, hell's gonna be the only place left where you can still smoke.

(1965 – ) American comedian

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Whenever I feel the need for exercise I go and lie down for half an hour until the feeling passes.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

(1899 – 1977) university dean, president & chancellor













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