Subject: Age

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re told to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor

People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist

When men reach their sixties and retire they go to pieces; women just go on cooking.

You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Teenagers: People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike.

When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed… it evens itself out.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

Whatever a parent does is wrong.

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

Well Kerry, you’re 19 and you’re a lot older than a lot of people younger than yourself.

English football player

Old age is like learning a new profession; and not one of your own choosing.

(1907 – ) French-born American historian of ideas & culture

Most people my age are dead at the present time.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager