Subject: Age

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles.

(1912 – 1969) Norwegian figure skater & actress

I don't need you to remind me of my age; I have a bladder to do that for me.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director

Old Age: A very high price to pay for maturity.

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Puberty is a phase… fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle.

stand-up comedian

There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?

(1906 – 1987) American actress

Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible, this was terrible with raisins in it.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.

Class Reunion: A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are.

There are three terrible ages of childhood – 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist

The older you get the stronger the wind gets… and it's always in your face.

(1940 – ) professional golfer

I'm in a restaurant one time, we go to the men's room – my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, 'Hey, this gum has got no flavor.'

American comedian & actor

Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.

(1887 – 1964) English biographer, critic, novelist & poet

I like a man who's good, but not too good; for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I was born nine months premature.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

You know how your friends are all morons, and they got the stories wrong all the time?… it’s the same here with the Bible.

(1960 – ) American stand-up comedian & writer

The average age of our bench is deceased.

Los Angeles Dodgers’ manager

Say Satch, tell me, was Abraham Lincoln a crouch hitter?

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player