Subject: Age

I am not young enough to know everything.

(1860 – 1937) Scottish author, dramatist (creator of Peter Pan)

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can’t suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

[Memorial services are the] cocktail parties of the geriatric set.

(1902 – 1983) English actor

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.

My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not; I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

American comedian

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Puberty: The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible.

Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.

(1941 – ) American actor

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

(1931 – 2005) American actor

I was born nine months premature.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

(1926 — ) newspaper columnist

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Middle age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, "Why not?" and the other, "Why bother?"

(1917 –1986) American journalist

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty… but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress