Subject: Age

The older I get, the better I used to be.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer

Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.

(1941 – ) American actor

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What's the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?

stand-up comedian

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Old Age: When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

Old Age: When you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things.

If something’s old and you’re trying to sell it, it’s obsolete; if you’re trying to buy it, it’s a collector’s item.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Middle age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, "Why not?" and the other, "Why bother?"

(1917 –1986) American journalist

Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer

I don't need you to remind me of my age; I have a bladder to do that for me.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director

How young can you die of old age?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

She had something like 'time out;' it was called 'knock out.'

American comedian

Women are as old as they feel and men are old when they lose their feelings.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions – because they know all the answers.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

Adolescence: When a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director