Subject: Age

Old Age: When you wink at a girl and she says, “Something wrong with your eyes?”

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist

When you are down and out something always turns up – and it is usually the noses of your friends.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director

Senility: The pleasantly rueful experience of forgetting what we’ve forgotten.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’

(1943 – ) American football player

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

She is so old… she's in God's year book.

As I understand President Bush's Medicare plan, it provides for unlimited coverage for anyone over 72 whose parents can pass the physical.

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian

I was born nine months premature.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

I can tell a woman’s age in half a minute — and I do!

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator

The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.

(1882 – 1941) English novelist, essayist, publisher & feminist

Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re told to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I’m 50 years of old.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)