Quotes and One Liners
short humorous quotes, jokes, definitions, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles.
(1912 – 1969) Norwegian figure skater & actress
I don't need you to remind me of my age; I have a bladder to do that for me.
(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Old Age: A very high price to pay for maturity.
I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Puberty is a phase… fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
(1906 – 1987) American actress
Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.
(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible, this was terrible with raisins in it.
(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Upon her 50th birthday
I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.
Class Reunion: A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are.
There are three terrible ages of childhood – 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.
(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
The older you get the stronger the wind gets… and it's always in your face.
(1940 – ) professional golfer
I'm in a restaurant one time, we go to the men's room – my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, 'Hey, this gum has got no flavor.'
American comedian & actor
Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.
(1887 – 1964) English biographer, critic, novelist & poet
I like a man who's good, but not too good; for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
I was born nine months premature.
(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
You know how your friends are all morons, and they got the stories wrong all the time?… it’s the same here with the Bible.
(1960 – ) American stand-up comedian & writer
The average age of our bench is deceased.
Los Angeles Dodgers’ manager
Say Satch, tell me, was Abraham Lincoln a crouch hitter?
(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Ribbing Satchel Paige about his age
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