Subject: Age

[Memorial services are the] cocktail parties of the geriatric set.

(1902 – 1983) English actor

Tommy John is so old, he uses Absorbine Senior.

(1952 – ) American sportscaster

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else… and usually is.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

It is a sobering thought, that when Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist

Growing old’s like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.

(1905 – 2000) English writer

I can tell a woman’s age in half a minute — and I do!

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator

I must admit he exhibits the most extraordinary capacity for middle age that I’ve ever encountered in a young man of twenty-four.

movie character, in Kind Hearts And Coronets (Dennis Price)

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

The hands on my biological clock are giving me the finger.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

A woman telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author

Children are a great comfort in your old age… and they help you reach it faster too.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Youth: A good substitute for experience.

I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don't have to.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

You know you’re getting older when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along

We grow too soon old and too late smart.

The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
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