Quotes and One Liners
short humorous quotes, jokes, definitions, Murphy's Laws & more
Browse by Subject
Some Popular Authors
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
View All Authors
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
(1955 – ) cartoonist
(Calvin and Hobbes)
Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty.
(1935 – ) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
When you become senile, you won't know it.
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.
(1956 – ) American comedian
I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove that I’m just as good as I never was.
(1908 – 1990) English actor
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
(1959 – ) American comedian
When we’re young, we want to change the world… when we’re old, we want to change the young.
Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.
Before borrowing from a friend, decide which you need most.
When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed… it evens itself out.
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Middle Age: That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions.
He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble.
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
American stand-up comedian
Page 1 of 25
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com