Quotes and One Liners
short humorous quotes, jokes, definitions, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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Adolescence is that time of life when you discover your ability to be depressed.
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
The trick is growing up without growing old.
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Women are as old as they feel and men are old when they lose their feelings.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.
Megan Anne Mooney
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
(1906 – 1982) baseball player
I must admit he exhibits the most extraordinary capacity for middle age that I’ve ever encountered in a young man of twenty-four.
movie character, in
Kind Hearts And Coronets
You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
(1959 – ) American comedian
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.
(1929 – 1933) 31st U.S. president, humanitarian
The comfort of turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.
Diskson’s Rule of 49
Your best friends are those who speak well of you behind your back.
(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
The moment you're born you're done for.
Enoch Arnold Bennett
1867 – 1931) English novelist
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid; girls got pinned, not nailed.
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.
(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer
After 60, it's just patch, patch, patch.
(1913 – 1990) American actress
I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle; I’m just kidding – I don’t pay child support.
(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children are a great comfort in your old age… and they help you reach it faster too.
I'm in a restaurant one time, we go to the men's room – my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, 'Hey, this gum has got no flavor.'
American comedian & actor
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
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