Subject: Age

The best years are the forties; after fifty a man begins to deteriorate, but in the forties he is at the maximum of his villainy.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

I know Im getting old – I had an accident; I was arrested for hit and walk.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer

After the age of 80, you seem to be having breakfast every day.

(1907 – 2005) was an English poet & playwright

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday; I tell them, a paternity suit.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

He may be the only kicker to kick and collect Social Security at the same time.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach

Ask any woman her age, and nine times out of ten she’ll guess wrong.


I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

I'm in a restaurant one time, we go to the men's room – my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, 'Hey, this gum has got no flavor.'

American comedian & actor

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had.

(1907 – 1989) American writer

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else… and usually is.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You might be a redneck if… an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

I have lost friends, some by death… others through sheer inability to cross the street.

(1882 – 1941) English novelist, essayist, publisher & feminist

I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don't have to.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
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