Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
They told me my services were no longer desired because they wanted to put in a youth program as an advance way of keeping the club going; I'll never make the mistake of being seventy again.
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
I’m at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me, I’m profoundly grateful to her.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Say Satch, tell me, was Abraham Lincoln a crouch hitter?
(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Ribbing Satchel Paige about his age
The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
She may very well pass for forty three… in the dusk with the light behind her.
(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible.
Irene Mayer Selznick
(1907 - 1990) American theatrical producer
I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
She is so old… she used to baby-sit Jesus.
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses… drinks right out of the bottle.
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.
Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’
(1943 – ) American football player
He’s 31 this year – last year he was 30.
(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Adult: One who has ceased to grow vertically, but not horizontally.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Begin each day
When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.
(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid; girls got pinned, not nailed.
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
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