Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday; I tell them, a paternity suit.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
You're an old-timer if you can remember when setting the world on fire was a figure of speech.
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
If something’s old and you’re trying to sell it, it’s obsolete; if you’re trying to buy it, it’s a collector’s item.
You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re getting old when you start watching golf on TV and enjoying it.
(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?
All In the Family
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
My health is good; it’s my age that’s bad.
(1903 – 1992) country music singer, fiddler & promoter
He was young – He was fair – But the Injuns – Raised his hair
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
American stand-up comedian
The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
At twenty, we don’t care what the world thinks of us; at thirty, we worry about what it’s thinking of us; at forty, we discover it isn’t thinking about us at all.
At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
American cartoonist, illustrator & writer
She is so old… she was the waitress at the last supper.
Growing old’s like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.
(1905 – 2000) English writer
When you’re in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they’re nice about it… they’re like, ‘Hey man, you look good!' … but when you’re in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, ‘You doin’ all right?'
(1963 – ) American comedian & author
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face; my advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.
(1901 – 2000) English author
It is a sobering thought, that when Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.
(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Old Age: When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on >Saturday Night Live.
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