Subject: Age

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday; I tell them, a paternity suit.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

You're an old-timer if you can remember when setting the world on fire was a figure of speech.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

If something’s old and you’re trying to sell it, it’s obsolete; if you’re trying to buy it, it’s a collector’s item.

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

You know you’re getting old when you start watching golf on TV and enjoying it.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist

Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

My health is good; it’s my age that’s bad.

(1903 – 1992) country music singer, fiddler & promoter

He was young – He was fair – But the Injuns – Raised his hair

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?

American stand-up comedian

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

At twenty, we don’t care what the world thinks of us; at thirty, we worry about what it’s thinking of us; at forty, we discover it isn’t thinking about us at all.

At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

American cartoonist, illustrator & writer

She is so old… she was the waitress at the last supper.

Growing old’s like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.

(1905 – 2000) English writer

When you’re in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they’re nice about it… they’re like, ‘Hey man, you look good!' … but when you’re in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, ‘You doin’ all right?'

(1963 – ) American comedian & author

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face; my advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

(1901 – 2000) English author

It is a sobering thought, that when Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist

Old Age: When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

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