Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.
Evans's Law of Political Perfidy
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
The older I get, the better I used to be.
(1942 – ) American professional golfer
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Eighty is a wonderful age… especially if you’re ninety.
(1900 – 1973) American journalist & editor
I’m at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me, I’m profoundly grateful to her.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
She may very well pass for forty three… in the dusk with the light behind her.
(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Retire? … I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.
(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Adolescence is the time in life when a youngster is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
If you want to be adored by your peers and have standing ovations wherever you go – live to be over ninety.
(1887 – 1995) American theater produce, director & playwright, screenwriter & film director
I didn’t see [Christy] Mathewson, but Oquendo said he had a good slider.
American baseball player
Ribbing Jose Oquendo about his age
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
She's all done up like a well-kept grave.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Of an elderly lady dressed to kill
I'm not saying older women are sluttier; I'm just saying, an older woman isn't gonna make you wait 'til three in the morning 'cause she's got shit to do the next day.
It’s a good thing to be old, because that means you haven’t died yet, right?
(1974 – ) Spanish actress & model
The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
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