Subject: Age (Page 27)

Have you ever tried to put an oyster in a slot machine?

(1922 – ) actor, film director, producer, writer & comedian

I don't need drugs anymore, thank God; I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor

The older you get, the faster you ran as a kid.

professional football player & coach

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

My grandmother died having sex… I still cry every time I watch the video.

(Uncle Lar) American comedian

I'm 34 years old; I thought I'd be divorced by now.

American comedian

Say Satch, tell me, was Abraham Lincoln a crouch hitter?

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player

A young man is a theory, an old man is a fact.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Puberty is a phase… fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle.

stand-up comedian

Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? … asking for myself.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

The four stages of a man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.

(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist

When I grow up I want to be a little boy.

(1923 – 1999) American satirical novelist, short story writer & playwright

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re told to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit

I’m getting pretty worried; my girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period… and she’s already 14.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

You know you’re getting older when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS… my favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor