Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I have everything now I had twenty years ago – except now it’s lower.
Gypsy Rose Lee
(1911 – 1970) American burlesque entertainer, actress, author & playwright
The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost… they are added to the ages of other women.
Diane de Poitiers
(1499 – 1566) French noblewoman & prominent courtier
The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.
(1882 – 1941) English novelist, essayist, publisher & feminist
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year, and I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
Kitty O'Neill Collins
There are three ages of man – youth, middle age, and ‘you're looking wonderful.’
(1889 – 1967) American bishop & cardinal of the Catholic Church
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Begin each day
When men reach their sixties and retire they go to pieces; women just go on cooking.
He is so old… I told him to act his own age, and he died.
If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.
Have you ever tried to put an oyster in a slot machine?
(1922 – ) actor, film director, producer, writer & comedian
Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?
All In the Family
I refuse to admit I'm more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.
(1879 – 1964) British politician
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible.
Irene Mayer Selznick
(1907 - 1990) American theatrical producer
I must admit he exhibits the most extraordinary capacity for middle age that I’ve ever encountered in a young man of twenty-four.
movie character, in
Kind Hearts And Coronets
It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.
Pushing fifty is exercise enough
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
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