Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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Puberty: The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible.
Middle-age is the time of life, that a man first notices – in his wife.
(1906 – 1989) American poet & author
I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
She is so old… she was the waitress at the last supper.
Have you ever tried to put an oyster in a slot machine?
(1922 – ) actor, film director, producer, writer & comedian
The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have remembrances of what never happened.
‘Saki’ H.H. Munro
(1870 – 1916) British writer
Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve; middle age is when you're forced to.
(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
New Year's Eve
I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
A woman telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.
(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
After the age of 80, you seem to be having breakfast every day.
(1907 – 2005) was an English poet & playwright
I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don't have to.
(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.
(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
There are no old people nowadays; they are either 'wonderful for their age' or dead.
Mary Pettibone Poole
Middle Age: When your age starts to show around your middle the art of raising eyebrows instead of the roof.
What can you say when your husband says: “You can’t expect me to remember your birthday, when you never look any older.”
I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
I’m at the age where I have to find my hearing aid to ask where my glasses are.
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
(1906 – 1987) American actress
You want a friend in Washington?… get a dog.
(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
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