Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old… unfortunately there’s never one around.
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
The four stages of a man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.
(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.
(1924 – 2009) English broadcaster, writer, politician & chef
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.
(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
By the time a man finds greener pastures, he’s too old to climb the fence.
I was born when my dad was 50; it’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you… we’d go to the movies and we’re both getting discounts.
(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
It’s good to be here… but at 98, it’s good to be anywhere.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
(1931 – 2005) American actor
The greatest problem about old age is the fear that it may go on too long.
(1906 – 1990) British historian
Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.
I’ve always said that in politics, your enemies can’t hurt you, but your friends will kill you.
(1933 – 2006) politician
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.
(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Teenagers: People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike.
There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author
We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
professional basketball player
My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
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