Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old… unfortunately there’s never one around.
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
That’s one you can tell your grandchildren about – tomorrow.
American baseball player
Kidding 39-year-old pitcher Jerry Reuss after Reuss about his age he won his 200th game
Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.
(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you… the next time he’s in need.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger" …
picture of you is of when you were younger.
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
I’ve always said that in politics, your enemies can’t hurt you, but your friends will kill you.
(1933 – 2006) politician
You're an old-timer if you can remember when setting the world on fire was a figure of speech.
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
I can tell a woman’s age in half a minute — and I do!
(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
I'd like to grow very old as slowly as possible.
(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
(1884 – 1970) American actress
Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
I am not young enough to know everything.
James M. Barrie
(1860 – 1937) Scottish author, dramatist (creator of Peter Pan)
(also Mark Twain)
I’m still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage.
(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
I don’t know why my elderly neighbor bothers subscribing to newspapers if he’s just going to let them pile up outside his house.
Adolescence is the best substitute ever invented for experience.
The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.
(1924 – ) American actress & singer
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible.
Irene Mayer Selznick
(1907 - 1990) American theatrical producer
Middle age: When a woman’s hair starts turning from gray to black.
Ask any woman her age, and nine times out of ten she’ll guess wrong.
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