Subject: Animals

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Racehorse: A barn athlete.

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.

(1962 – ) American English professor & writer under pen name Eloisa James

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Dog: The only friend you can buy for money.

I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

(1864 – 1910) French author

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

(1939 – ) English actor, comedian, writer & producer

Let fightin' dogs lie.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Cats… a standing rebuke to behavioural scientist.


I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Zoo: A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong… [they] know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
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