Subject: Animals

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Zoo: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.

Attorney & entrepreneur

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

The great thing about racehorses is you don’t need to take them for walks.

(1936 – ) English actor

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

FREE TO GOOD HOME – Beautiful 6 mo. old male kitten — orange & caramel tabby, playful, friendly very affectionate, ideal for family w/ kids. OR Handsome 32 yr. old husband – personable, funny, good job, but doesn't like cats. Says he goes or cat goes. Call Jennifer 265-…. — come see both and decide which you'd like.

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

50 Ways to Eat Cock

It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

If you want to cure your dog’s bad breath, just pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author

You might be a redneck if… you’re banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality