Subject: Animals

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers; perverted sex involves the whole duck.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Bugs: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

Electric Eel: Fish that thrives in strong currents.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The great thing about racehorses is you don’t need to take them for walks.

(1936 – ) English actor

Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

(1928 – ) English zoologist, ethologist, painter & author

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

We’ve a cat called Ben Hur; we called it Ben till it had kittens.


Outwitting Squirrels

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

Fish are always eating other fish; if fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist

If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day; but if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I played a great horse yesterday; it took seven horses to beat him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
The Hunger Site