Subject: Animals

If it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Dachshund: An animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger; my first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Yellow Perch Decline to be Studied

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian

You might be a redneck if… you think "fast food" is hitting a possum at 65 miles an hour.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

How are you supposed to be able to tell when cat food has gone bad?

(1964 – ) American

Cat: A pygmy lion who loathes mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

(1981 – ) British actor

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Zoo: A place where humans go and animals are barred.

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
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