Subject: Animals

A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

Impeccable Birdfeeding: How to Discourage Scuffling, Hull-dropping, Seed-throwing, Unmentionable Nuisances and Vulgar Chatter at Your Birdfeeder

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.

I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats

Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.

(1963 – ) English comedian & actor

I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog; then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

American comedian

No matter which side of door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side.

Zoo: A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Cat bathing is a martial art.

Nothing seems to please a fly so much as to be taken for a currant; and if it can be baked in a cake and palmed off on the unwary, it dies happy.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Bear Eats Fruit, Takes Stuffed Bear From NH House

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.

(1973 – ) animator, writer, actor & producer

The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

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