Subject: Animals

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion.

(1783 – 1859) American author, essayist, biographer & historian

Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

It was a brave person who first looked at a cow and said, ‘I think I’ll just squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out.’

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’m disappointed with every movie about sharks that closes with “The End” instead of “Fin.”

You might be a redneck if… your last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

No matter which side of door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

It's a wise man who profits by his own experience, but it's a good deal wiser one who lets the rattlesnake bite the other fellow.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Let fightin' dogs lie.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.

Help children living with autism with one click. The Autism Site