Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion.
(1783 – 1859) American author, essayist, biographer & historian
Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
(1925 – 2005) television host
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
It was a brave person who first looked at a cow and said, ‘I think I’ll just squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out.’
(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
I’m disappointed with every movie about sharks that closes with “The End” instead of “Fin.”
You might be a redneck if… your last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
No matter which side of door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
It's a wise man who profits by his own experience, but it's a good deal wiser one who lets the rattlesnake bite the other fellow.
(1818 – 1885) humorist
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
fightin' dogs lie.
All In the Family
Sleeping dogs lie
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.
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