Subject: Animals

Bugs: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

A zebra cannot change its spots.

(1948 – ) U.S. vice president & politician, author & environmentalist

I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

(1849 – 1912) Swedish writer

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.

(1973 – ) animator, writer, actor & producer

Don't get mixed up between Pavlov and Pavlova, or you'll have salivating ballerinas and pirouetting dogs.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

Did you know that a possum walking through a cornfield sounds exactly like three men with an ax?

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian

Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

So, You’ve Got a Fat Pussy

Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I’m fond of pigs… dogs look up to us… cats look down on us… pigs treat us as equal.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm; there's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to fall.

I never married because there was no need: I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband – I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

(1855 – 1924) English writer

Now don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin’ ‘em more… fun to pet, better to chew.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet; they should be the luckiest animals in the world.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Under any given set of environmental conditions an experimental animal behaves as it damn well pleases.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I’m disappointed with every movie about sharks that closes with “The End” instead of “Fin.”

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