Subject: Animals

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator

Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows

Outwitting Squirrels

I’m fond of pigs… dogs look up to us… cats look down on us… pigs treat us as equal.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

(1939 – ) English actor, comedian, writer & producer

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog; few people are interested and the frog dies as a result.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Taxidermist: A man who mounts animals.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

I saw a mosquito in Alaska so big… I could see his brand.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes… why do we still have monkeys and apes?

(1965 – ) American comedian

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)

Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor