Subject: Animals

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

1. The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it. 2. The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the number and importance of your guests.

Bear Eats Fruit, Takes Stuffed Bear From NH House

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

How come dogs hate it if you blow in their faces; but when they get in the car, they stick their heads out the window.

(1952 – ) comedian

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

You always hear a headline like this,”Man Killed By Shark,” you never hear it from the other perspective, “Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

I could tell by their audible gasps that people on the beach where jealous of me when I found six shark’s teeth; locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.

(1982 – ) American author

The only difference between a pigeon and the American farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author

Man should stop fighting among themselves and start fighting insects.

(1849 – 1926) American botanist & horticulturist

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director

Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.

Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.

(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong… [they] know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
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