Subject: Animals (Page 20)

You know you’re a redneck if you’ve ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Animals Dogs

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Animals Cats Dogs

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Animals Children Dogs Family

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer
Animals Communication Dogs Speech

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals Ideas Intelligence Situations

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals Appearance Situations Things

Nature abhors a vacuum… but not as much as cats do.

Animals Cats

The mosquitoes in Louisiana are so big, they can stand flat foot and screw a chicken!

Animals Exaggerations

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Animals Democracy Elections/Voting Government

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Animals Situations

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

You might be a redneck if… you ever named a child after a dog.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Children Dogs Family People Rednecks

That’s why they’re man’s best friend… ‘cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are; so do women, but they’ve already got men

(1957 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Men People

Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no-one starts lawsuits over their wills.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Animals

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals

Smart as a tree full of owls.

Animals Expressions Intelligence Wisdom

Cats… a standing rebuke to behavioural scientist.


Animals Cats

I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

(1849 – 1912) Swedish writer
Animals Dogs Emotions

Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

(1977 – ) Australian comedian
Animals Places