Subject: Appearance

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

(1898 – 1971) American humorist

She is so ugly… when she walked in to Taco Bell, everyone ran for the border.

She’s so big, it takes two men and a boy just to look at her.

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

If I want to wear my tits on my back, that’s my business!

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer

I never go out unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star; if you want to see the girl next door, go next door.

(1905 – 1977) American actress

Blubber Island

If that dress had pockets, you’d look like a pool table.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A lady is one who never shows her underwear… unintentionally.

(1893 – 1991) novelist, biographer & playwright

His features resembled a fossilized wash rag.

(1925 – 2008) British journalist

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

(1894 – 1975) American comedian

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face; my advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

(1901 – 2000) English author

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If someone told him to haul ass he'd have to make six trips.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I saw a guy today who had rings and hooks and pens and antennas hanging out his cheeks and his eyebrows; looked like somebody hit him in the head with a tackle box.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian

Do you guys think it’s worse to wear a Fedora or kill 15 people?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director