Subject: Appearance

A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Reporter: What do you call that hairstyle you’re wearing?

Harrison Arthur.

(1943 – 2001) English musician, singer & songwriter

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies – 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

In feathered hats that were once the rage, she resembles a petrified parakeet from the Jurassic age; a royal wreck.

Richard Blackwell (1922 – 2008) fashion critic, journalist, & designer

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I get a lot of cracks about my hair, mostly from men who don't have any.

(1933 – 2006) politician

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

She is so ugly… when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

She has a four-pocket backend.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer

Comparing Madonna with Marilyn Monroe is like comparing Raquel Welch with the back of a bus.

George Alan O'Dowd (1961 – ) British singer-songwriter

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.

(1919 – 2001) American film critic

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