Subject: Appearance (Page 51)

If it says “one size fits all,” it doesn’t fit anyone.

Clothing Murphy’s Laws

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing People Self

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Appearance Insults

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Insults

Her face was her chaperone.

(1872—1956) American historian, novelist, film director & composer
Appearance Insults

It’s a great shock at the age of five or six to find that in a world of Gary Coopers you are the Indian.

(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist
Appearance People

I model irregular clothing.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Appearance Clothing

They say an actor is only as good as his parts; well, my parts have done me pretty well, darling.

(1937 – ) English actress
Acting Appearance Body Entertainment

No one is as ugly as their passport photo.

Appearance Murphy’s Laws Ugly

You might be a redneck if… you think the winter Olympic sport of curling is part of the “Big Hair” competition.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Hair People Rednecks

The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Appearance Insults

You’re welcome to take a bath; you look like the second week of the garbage strike.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter
Appearance

He was young – He was fair – But the Injuns – Raised his hair

Conflict Epitaphs Hair Young

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of a mirror; it is the vanity of men not to bother.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Appearance

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an ax.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Situations

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Clothing Government Military Murphy’s Laws

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.

Appearance Proverbs

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

Ugly as stump full of spiders.

Appearance Expressions Ugly

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

Clothing Malaprops

I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called ‘the flu.’

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
Appearance Body Health