Subject: Beliefs

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

(1964 – ) comedian, political satirist, writer & television host

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

There is one sure way of telling when politicians aren't telling the truth — their lips move.

(1946 – ) English actress

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

(1870 – 1916) British writer

I know her in the biblical sense… and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Many people would be more truthful were it not for their uncontrollable desire to talk.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

We are born naked, wet, and hungry; then things get worse.

Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.

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