Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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An atheist is one who hopes the Lord will do nothing to disturb his disbelief.
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I’ll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.
(1920 – 1994) German-born author & poet
Let's face it, show business is run by 2,000 Jews and Oprah, and she lives next door to Spielberg, which makes her Jewish by association.
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ … it is a mere formality; it doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no, you’re going to get it anyway.
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Politicians are wedded to the truth, but like many other married couples they sometimes live apart.
‘Saki’ H.H. Munro
(1870 – 1916) British writer
Where facts are few, experts are many.
Donald R. Gannon
Megachurches – I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.
War is God's way of teaching us geography.
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
America is a country of inventors, and the greatest of inventors are the newspaper men.
Alexander Graham Bell
(1847 – 1922) Scottish scientist, inventor, engineer & innovator
You’ll always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.
(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
(1894 – 1963) English writer
A man who calls bullshit fertilizer.
(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
All In the Family
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Williams and Holland's Law
In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me.
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