Subject: Beliefs

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

(1928 – 1982) American novelist, short story writer & essayist

Liberal: Someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.

(1905 –1998) American author

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

I was an altar boy as a kid… and the answer is no.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

There are two types of actors: those who say they want to be famous and those who are liars.

(1958 – ) American film & theater actor

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me.


Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.

(1951 – ) American conservative radio talk-show host

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

(1961 – ) Canadian–American actor, voice actor, author, producer & activist

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

The one prediction that never comes true is, “You’ll thank me for telling you this.”

(1938 – ) journalist, columnist (Miss Manners)

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Grandmama Addams: Fester, You're not cheating!

Uncle Fester: Sorry.

(1914 – 1984) American actor

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Tact: To lie about others as you would have them lie about you.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

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