Subject: Beliefs

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If beauty is truth, why don’t women go to the library to have their hair done?

(1805 – 1864) English editor, novelist & sporting writer

I know what they're waiting for…(the press) is waiting for (Michelle Obama) to get pissed one night and throw all The President's (stuff) out on the lawn.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host

MSI Owner Denies Lying, Admits Not Telling Truth

When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am grown up, they call me a writer.

(1902 – 1991) Polish Jewish American author

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

Ideologue: Typically an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.

Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all.

(1742 – 1799) German writer

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter

Public opinion is the worst of all opinions.

(1741 – 1794) French writer

Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

WTF, I thought I voted for a Muslim?!

The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.

Do I believe in God? … Let’s say we have a working relationship.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

The fact that he relies on facts … says things that are not factual… are going to undermine his campaign.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I’ll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.

(1920 – 1994) German-born author & poet

Grandmama Addams: Fester, You're not cheating!

Uncle Fester: Sorry.

(1914 – 1984) American actor

Journalists say a thing that they know isn’t true, in the hope that if they keep on saying it long enough it will be true.

1867 – 1931) English novelist