Subject: Beliefs

When a man tells me he’s going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.

(1893 – 1957) British politician

If you have the facts on your side, hammer the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer the law. If you have neither the facts nor the law, hammer the table.

Hell is other people.

(1905 – 1980) French existentialist philosopher, playwright & novelist,

I’m an Atheist… thank God.

(1936 – 2005) Irish comedian

The difference between a Northern Baptist and a Southern Baptist was that a Northern Baptist says, "There ain't no Hell," and a Southern Baptist says, "The hell 'ere ain't."

(1926 – 1983) American comedian & singer

Anyone can tell the truth, but only very few of us can make epigrams.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created.

novelist, screenwriter & businessman

God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well.

(1912 – 2003) American sports writer

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

(1890 – 1970) French president, general & statesman

I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

He goes to church on Sunday, steals chickens on Monday.

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.

(1806-1873) British philosopher

It has always been desirable to tell the truth, but seldom if ever necessary.

(1848 – 1930) British Conservative politician & statesman

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Every truth passes through three stages before it is recognized: in the first, it is ridiculed, in the second it is opposed, in the third it is regarded as self-evident.

(1788 – 1860) German philosopher