Subject: Beliefs

Just saw an Orthodox Jewish kid do three pull-ups… shattering the previous record.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

A conservative is a man who does not think that anything should be done for the first time.

(1864 – 1937) American banker, Assistant Secretary of Treasury

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

Why do born-again people so often make you wish they’d never been born the first time?

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

(1931 – ) Irish-American actor, writer & politician

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me.


Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.

(1887 – 1964) English biographer, critic, novelist & poet

Here's some advice for you guys: never hire a clown named Molesto.

stand-up comedian

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

(1916 – 1997) newspaper journalist

To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.

(1925 – 1990) Canadian hockey player, coach & general manager

When God created Republicans, he gave up on everything else.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director

A conservative is someone who demands a square deal for the rich.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality

Unitarian: One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Journalists say a thing that they know isn’t true, in the hope that if they keep on saying it long enough it will be true.

1867 – 1931) English novelist

It’s great that we’ve got a compassionate conservative, but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Georgie believed in democracy, and he felt that everybody had a right to an opinion… his.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It ain’t German to the conversation. It ain’t supposed to make sense; it’s faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

These days, the only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other a liar.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

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