Subject: Beliefs » God

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.

(1898 – 1963) Irish-born British novelist, literary critic & essayist

When you come to Heritage USA, remember to bring your Bible and your VISA card—because the Bible is the Holy Truth, and God doesn't take American Express.

(1939 – ) American televangelist

Church: Man’s effort to keep a roof over God’s head.

If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open?

Why should I talk to you?… I've just been talking to your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m an Atheist… thank God.

(1936 – 2005) Irish comedian

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways; but he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

(1867 – 1936) author & humorist

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I read the Book of Job last night; I don’t think God comes out of it well.

(1882 – 1941) English writer

Why's God always got such wacky shit to say?… when's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'

American comedian & actor













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