Subject: Beliefs » God (Page 2)

I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God… contact lenses.

(1971 – ) British comedian

I know I’m God because when I pray to him I find I’m talking to myself.

(1931 – 2004) English playwright & screenwriter

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

God will pardon me… it is His trade.

(1797 – 1856) German critic & poet

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?

(1912 – 2003) newspaper columnist

A skeptic is a person who would ask God for his ID card.


May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Helping the Retarded To Know God

The only thing that stops God sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless.

(1741 – 1794) French writer

If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created.

novelist, screenwriter & businessman

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron; not even God can hit a 1-iron.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Man is Creation’s masterpiece; but who says so?

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast… if God wants to play through, let him.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor