Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Beliefs
(Page 3)
Megachurches – I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
Jon Stewart
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs
Religion
Megachurches
The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages – as if the savages weren't dangerous enough already.
Edward Abbey
(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist
Beliefs
God
Opinion
Religion
Christians
Faith
Savages
It only rains straight down… God doesn't do windows.
Rod Schmidt
God
Rain
Windows
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me – I quit."
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Beliefs
Death
God
Suicide
It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they’ve been fooled.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs
Honesty
People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
A.J. Liebling
(1904 – 1963) American journalist
Beliefs
Communication
Facts
Reading/Writing
Newspapers
An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper.
Kahlil Gibran
(1883 – 1931) Lebanese-American artist, poet & writer
Beliefs
Truth
Exaggerations
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Dick Gregory
(1932 – 2017) comedian, social activist, critic & writer
Beliefs
Places
Neighborhood
Santa Claus
The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
First Law of Advice
Murphy’s Laws
Opinion
Advice
The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Communication
Entertainment
Opinion
Artists
Critics
The tombstone is about the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.
Mary Wilson Little
(1880 – ?) American author
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
Things
Tombstones
Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.
Scott Adams
(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Beliefs
Opinion
A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt.
Woodrow Wilson
(1856 – 1924) 28th U.S. president & politician
Beliefs
Government
Politicians
Conservatives
Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.
Lyndon Johnson
(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
Insults
Opinion
People
Chewing gum
Gerald Ford
Following the path of least resistance is what makes men and rivers crooked.
Nowlan’s Deduction
Characteristics
Honesty
Murphy’s Laws
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' – probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
God
Bark
Create
Tree
Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.
Samuel Goldwyn
(1879 – 1974) film producer
Misspokements
Occupations
Opinion
Critics
Oxymorons
The stopwatch has stopped. It's up to God and the referee now. The referee is Pat Horan. God is God.
Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh
Irish Gaelic games commentator
God
Sports
Gaelic football
One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Facts
Situations
Conjecture
Returns
A young man is a theory, an old man is a fact.
Edgar Watson Howe
(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Age
Facts
Old
Young
Theories
If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they’d ask for it.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Beliefs
Opinion
Advice
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