Subject: Beliefs (Page 3)

My friend Phil was brought up Orthodox Jewish… he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Book Of Ecclesiasticles

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

Grandmama Addams: Fester, You're not cheating!

Uncle Fester: Sorry.

(1914 – 1984) American actor

Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.

(1959 – ) American actor, director, writer, singer & comedian

It's interesting to speculate how it developed that in two of the most anti-feminist institutions, the church and the law court, the men are wearing the dresses.

(1916 – 2000) American lawyer & activist

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.

(1838 – 1918) journalist, historian, academic & novelist

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster

Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth-decay in His divine system of creation?

(1923 – 1999) American satirical novelist, short story writer & playwright

It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.

(1928 – 1982) American novelist, short story writer & essayist

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.

(1867 – 1933) English writer

He's so crooked he uses a corkscrew for a ruler.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

When God created Republicans, he gave up on everything else.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

I believe in the right to arm bears.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign

Criticism and Bolshevism have one thing in common: they both seek to pull down that which they could never build.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter