Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Beliefs
(Page 3)
My friend Phil was brought up Orthodox Jewish… he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament.
Lizz Winstead
(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Beliefs
Religion
Jewish
New Testament
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs
Food/Drink
Animal crackers
Vegetarian
Book Of
Ecclesiasticles
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Beliefs
Malaprops
Bible
Ecclesiastes
It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Beliefs
Government
Opinion
Politics
President
George W. Bush
Satan
Grandmama Addams: Fester, You're not cheating!
Uncle Fester: Sorry.
Jackie Coogan
(1914 – 1984) American actor
Honesty
TV/Movie Quotes
As Uncle Fester in TV’s “The Addams Family”
Cheating
Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
Jason Alexander
(1959 – ) American actor, director, writer, singer & comedian
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
TV/Movie Quotes
As George Costanza in “Seinfeld”
It's interesting to speculate how it developed that in two of the most anti-feminist institutions, the church and the law court, the men are wearing the dresses.
Florynce Kennedy
(1916 – 2000) American lawyer & activist
Appearance
Clothing
Law
Religion
Women
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
Henry Adams
(1838 – 1918) journalist, historian, academic & novelist
Beliefs
Facts
Government
Politics
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
Mort Sahl
(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics
Honesty
Insults
Lies
Nixon
Reagan
Washington
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Proverb
Beliefs
Proverbs
Depth
Water
God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Garrison Keillor
(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Emotions
Entertainment
God
Actors
Comedy
Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth-decay in His divine system of creation?
Joseph Heller
(1923 – 1999) American satirical novelist, short story writer & playwright
Beliefs
God
Health
Supreme Beings
It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.
Philip K. Dick
(1928 – 1982) American novelist, short story writer & essayist
Beliefs
Intelligence
Mind
Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.
John Galsworthy
(1867 – 1933) English writer
Beliefs
Opinion
Idealism
He's so crooked he uses a corkscrew for a ruler.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Honesty
TV/Movie Quotes
As Mavis Arden in “Go West
Young Man”
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Money
People
Lending
When God created Republicans, he gave up on everything else.
Frank Zappa
(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director
Beliefs
Government
Republicans
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics
Government
Honesty
Politicians
Burglars
When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs
Characteristics
God
Intelligence
Religion
Invisible man
I believe in the right to arm bears.
Pat Paulsen
(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Beliefs
Opinion
Wordplay
When asked if he believed in the right to bear arms
Criticism and Bolshevism have one thing in common: they both seek to pull down that which they could never build.
Noel Coward
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Beliefs
Insults
Bolshevism
Criticism
Page 3 of 42
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