Subject: Beliefs (Page 5)

A young man is a theory, an old man is a fact.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Age Facts Old Young

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Children Communication Family Honesty Lies Speech Truth

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Clothing Things

He’s crooked as a barrel full of fish hooks.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty Insults

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Beliefs Proverbs

Church: Man’s effort to keep a roof over God’s head.

Beliefs Definitions God

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs God Religion

Self-evident: Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Characteristics Communication Lies

No matter how often the lie is shown to be false, there will still remain a percentage of people who believe it true.

Beliefs Honesty Lies Murphy’s Laws

Just saw an Orthodox Jewish kid do three pull-ups… shattering the previous record.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Religion

God heals and the doctor takes the fee.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Beliefs Doctors God Health Money

God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project.

Beliefs God

The world is round; it has no point.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Beliefs Places World

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

Facts Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

An alibi is a reason with a bad reputation.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Characteristics Honesty

Free advice is worth the price.

businessman
Beliefs Money Opinion

The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs Failure God Success

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gassing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites, whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

Evil is live spelled backwards.
Corollary: If it feels good, don't do it.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

I have a bit of advice for hungry young comedians – eat something.

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Beliefs Opinion