Subject: Beliefs » Religion (Page 3)

My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian

My wife converted me to religion; I never believed in hell until I married her.

(1892 – 1992) American film & television producer & director

Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good – stop.’

American actor & comedian

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host

It is not enough to be abstinent with other people, you also have to be abstinent alone; the Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery…. you can’t masturbate without lust!

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)

Monastery: Consecration camp.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite,' and I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right; what's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

There were many reasons we broke up; there was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

American actor & comedian

He made us all one true religion, Edith, which he named after his son, Christian – or Christ, for short.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

(1895 – 1979) American archbishop of the Catholic Church

We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist

Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother’s side.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Satan: The scarecrow in the religious cornfield.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold ‘em under long enough.

(1944 – ) American singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician & columnist

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist