Subject: Characteristics

Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Sure men were born to lie, and women, to believe them.

(1685 – 1732) English writer

Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

A lady is one who never shows her underwear… unintentionally.

(1893 – 1991) novelist, biographer & playwright

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all – he's walking on them.

(1904 – 1974) American author & radio producer

Tolerance: Another word for indifference.

If I were married to her, I’d be sure to have dinner ready when she got home.

(1920 – ) American economist, statesman & businessman

If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person – they will find an easier way to do it.

The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.

(1905 – 1982) American mystery writer (co-author of Ellery Queen stories

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

He's a Republican housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

(1869 – 1948) Indian leader of independence movement

I rely on my personality for birth control.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger

Dates are basically where I go out and I act like someone I'm not until the person likes me enough to be who I actually am.

writer & comedian

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people – you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable; all vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

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