Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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If it tastes good, you can't have it; if it tastes awful, you'd better clean your plate.
Old Children's Law
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.
Edgar Watson Howe
(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Conscience gets a lot of credit that belongs to cold feet.
We would all like a reputation for generosity and we'd all like to buy it cheap.
(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
I’ve met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes.
(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Woman’s influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.
(1818 – 1885) humorist
The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.
Evans's Law of Political Perfidy
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
(1874 – 1963) American poet
A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of someone who had searched for the leak in life’s gas pipe with a lighted candle.
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Woman is the most powerful magnet in the universe, and all men are cheap metal… and they all know where 'North' is.
(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
We had a lot in common; I loved him and he loved him.
(1920 – 2006) American actress
We have the Bill of Rights; what we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Bill of Rights
A man has more character in his face at forty than at twenty… he has suffered longer.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Jealousy: The tribute mediocrity pays to genius.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
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