Subject: Characteristics

My wife gets so jealous; she came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Everyone has a skeleton in their closet; the difference between Bill Clinton and myself is that he has a walk-in closet.

(1938 – ) political commentator, author, columnist, politician & broadcaster

The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we get married.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Half the people you know are below average.

May you be cursed with chronic anxiety about the weather.

(1837 – 1921) naturalist & essayist

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My boyfriend's kids are half-Swedish, half-Norwegian: "They're see-through."

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people – you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

That politician is so crooked he can hide behind a corkscrew.

Look at him (Bobby Richardson) – he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t chew, he doesn’t stay out late, and he still can’t hit .250.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

McKinley has a chocolate eclair backbone.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician

My last boyfriend gave me a piece of coal, and he told me that he would marry me when it turned into a diamond from all the pressure.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.

(1847 – 1912) English comedian, writer, composer, actor & singer

All generalizations are false.

Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer

It’s not that I’m a Type‑B personality; it’s that I’m driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy.

American writer