Subject: Classifieds


Usually unintentionally humorous classified ads, personal ads, notices or announcements as they appeared in various printed “Classified Ads” sections.

Smile of the Week • I’m smiling because “I am going to buy some sheep.” Sonny Clements, Manzanola

NEPTUNE FRONT LOAD WASHER – Built-in high definition tuner – Digital cable ready with cable card slot – Built-in 20 watt stereo speaker system – SALE $799

Lustful? Sinful? Sexual? These are all words not used in conjunction with my feeble, limp form for at least 32 years. You are a woman to 40 with high class looks and low class mind. I am an ever growing vessel of limp wristed sexual energy just waiting to be shook. You may call me sir. box no. 32/02

Mother’s helper – peasant working conditions.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

ETERNAL ASCENT – sends cremated remains to the heavens in a special balloon. Let us help make your loved one’s final journey a memorable one. We also release pets. Call 800-808-….

FOR SALE: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) – $50

FOR SALE: 1993 Chevy Lumina. Black exterior with beige interior. Runs and drives great. Sorry, no tires included.

WANTED: Part-Time secretary with wisdom of Deborah, dedication of Dorcas, stay cool under fire like Shadrach, imagination of the prophets, capabilities of all scribes.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tracter –- send photo of tractor.

All positions are open until filled.

XXLarge Nursing Uniform, Never been washed.

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Buy one restraining order, get one free!

MECHANIC – Now hiring full time mechanic. Must be mechanically inclined. Brenny’s Cycle Works …

Friday, March 27 – Lenten Fish Dinner – St. Ann Parrish – Tickets can be purchased at the door or by calling Christ at 522 -….

All day starting at 1 PM. – Shuck N' Jive's Annual Crawfish Boil

FOR SALE – Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Artie's Restaurant and Yogurt Parlor – An Alternative to Good Eating.

AMERICAN FLAG – 60 stars. Pole included $100. Call…

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