Subject: Classifieds


Usually unintentionally humorous classified ads, personal ads, notices or announcements as they appeared in various printed “Classified Ads” sections.

This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts. Box no. 5436.

Car Sitting Services: Are you going away for a long trip? Are you afraid your car will be lonely, or worse yet, stolen!? I can protect your car and take it for long drives to keep it company. I can even drop you off and pick you up at the airport using your car (at my convenience)! Cheap rates! Call [telephone] and ask for One-tooth Tony.

FOR SALE. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Buy a 3-Piece Livingroom Set – Get a 3-Piece Glass and Brass End Table…

Food Stamps Excepted [sic]

Why not have the kids shot for Easter, or have a family portrait taken? What have you got to lose?

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

06’ Suzuki GSXR 1000 • Fourways, Johannesburg – This bike is perfect! Only done 7000 kms and has had its 1500 km. dealer service. No falls/scratches. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently “do whatever the f**k you want” doesn’t mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (011) 867-….

My name was printed incorrectly below my letter in the December 30 issue of the Sevenoaks Chronicle. It should read L P Pook, not L P Hook. (signed) L P Hook – Sevenoaks Chronicle

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

SECRETARIAL/CLERICAL – Excellent word processing & typing skills. Conscious, creative and detail oriented.

FOR SALE: Cemetery needs. Monuments, Sales, Dating, Letterings. Call Dennis Leibfried before you go. Ph.507…

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

If you sign up today for a full year's service by February 10th…

*1990 SUBARU Justy. 5-speed, fuel injection, new brake and drum. New exhaust system, 4 new street tires and 2 studded. Body in great shape. Engine gone, but still runs. $500. 247-….

MUST SELL: 3 Grave Spaces in Laureland, very reasonable. Plus air conditioner.

YOUTH PROGRAMS • GENERAL/SOCIAL – Skydiving for Tots – (ages 10 mos.–2 years) Introduce your toddler to the fun and thrill of skydiving before he or she develops unwarranted fears of freefalling. Certified jump instructor…

Liberty Gathering Place – Menacemeat Pie all Weekend – Open until 8:00pm Friday Night, 465-…. [sic]

FREE Rent in exchange for elderly woman 319-233-….

FAMILY SEEKING energetic, young woman. Dedicated, responsible, family oriented, as permanent live-in provider, assistant, companion, concubine. Compensation negotiable.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

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