Subject: Communication

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.

(1935 – ) British actress, singer & author

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

(1936 – ) novelist

Synonym: A word you use when you can’t spell the other word.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

If you only read one book in your life… I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut.

(1967 – ) English comedian

Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.

(1963 – ) American comedian

I was a young lad living under a poker table with a chip on my shoulder.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in a [Rupert] Murdoch newspaper.

(1932 – 1997) newspaper columnist

Congratulation: The civility of envy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

All of ‘em, any of ‘em that have been in front of me over all these years.

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author

A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded.

(1946 – ) American stage & screen actress

I’ve read some of you modern free verse and wonder who set it free.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

There are two professions that one can be hired with little experience: one is prostitution, the other is sportscasting, and too frequently, they become the same.

(1918 – 1995) American sports journalist & television commentator

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Aardvark: In the beginning was the word. And the word was ‘Aardvark.’

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.

(1924 – ) Canadian writer

Invitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


I agree with everything you say, but I would attack to the death your right to say it.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
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