Subject: Communication

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

There are three golden rules for parliamentary speakers: “Stand up. Speak up. Shut up.”

(1855 – 1949) British politician

To avoid misunderstanding, I’ll stop speaking formal English and just use the binocular.

Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer

Advice: the smallest current coin.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Too often, people who want to offer sound advice give more sound than advice!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’

Good things don’t end in ‘eum,’ they end in ‘mania’…or ‘teria’.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

It was a dark and stormy night…

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim.”

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Freudian Slip: When you say one thing but mean your mother.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Skiing may be a winter activity, but some think of it as a fall sport.

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it – if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

American actor & comedian

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.

comedian