Subject: Communication

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother’s.

(1946 – ) Romanian-born American poet, novelist, essayist & commentator

I don’t talk during sex ‘cause it’s embarrassing and it might wake her up.

stand-up comedian & writer

A lot of people are very critical of modern reproductive processes without understanding all the ins and outs.

(1940 – ) English professor, medical doctor, scientist & politician

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

“I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.

(1979 – ) American stand-up comedian & author

Plagiarism: Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.

It’s the gossip columnist’s business to write about what is none of his business.

(1904 – 1980) American critic & author

Calling Durante's nose large is like calling Jack Benny "thrifty."

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Never in the ring of human conflict have so few taken so much from so many.

American boxer

The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Is "tired old cliche" one?

I had a paper route when I was a kid and I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Status quo, you know, that is Latin for the mess we’re in.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor

A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make sense.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Today’s subliminal thought is: …

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Where ignorance is bliss it's foolish to borrow your neighbor's newspaper.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

(1895 – 1985) British author & classical scholar

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