Subject: Communication

I always confuse the words exotic and erotic; that made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

comic, actor, & writer

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend… the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying – under another man.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary out of order.

(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker

Announce: Thirty grams or a sixteenth of a pound.

I asked the barmaid for a quickie; the man next to me said, 'It's pronounced quiche.'


My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I will be so brief I have already finished.

(1904 – 1989) Spanish surrealist painter

He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

If I wanted you to know what I’m thinking, I’d be talking.

(1946 – ) American actor

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You can get away with anything as long as you tell someone about it.

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist

Oh, if I could piss the way he speaks!

(1841 – 1929) French statesman, physician & journalist

If you don't know what introspection is… you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

(1988 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

I have two boys, 5 and 6… we’re no good at naming things in our house.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

There comes a time in every man’s life… and I’ve had many of them.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.

Our language is funny – a fat chance and slim chance are the same thing.