Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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I like to do all the talking myself; it saves time, and prevents arguments.
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
That's why we in shock as a country 'cause we went from a president that would make up words to a president that make us look up the words when he talk.
(1971 – ) American comedian & actress
Presidents Obama & Bush
I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Canadian-American comedian & writer
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way.
(1936 – 2005) Irish comedian
You speak it the same way you speak English, you just use different words.
(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)
When asked how to speak French
I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.
(1925 – 2005) television host
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
I am told that I talk in shorthand and then smudge it.
(1892 – 1973) English writer
When the Republicans read the Constitution on the House floor, that's the first time ever that Republicans read something that wasn't written by a lobbyist.
(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
Alice Jane Chandler Webster (1876 – 1916) writer & author
I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.
(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
I usually get my stuff from people who promised somebody else that they would keep it a secret.
(1897 – 1972) broadcast journalist & gossip columnist
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea.
(1863 – 1941) U.S. senator (California) & U.S. Secretary of the Treasury
About Warren Harding
A dialogue is a good monologue spoiled by somebody else talking.
(1921 – 2004) English actor & author
I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." … he said, "That means somebody is talking about it.”
(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
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