Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was “Hang up, I got it!”
comedian, writer, actor & producer
Goldarn it, Mr Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
(1919 – 1983) American rodeo performer & actor
As Taggart in “Blazing Saddles”
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer
Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
(1897 – 1972) broadcast journalist & gossip columnist
The quality of debate [in the House of Lords] is pretty high – and it is, I think, good evidence of life after death.
Rev. Donald Soper
(1903 – 1998) English clergyman
The House of Lords
A woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinter legs; it is not done well; but you are surprised to see it done at all.
(1740 – 1795) Scottish lawyer, diarist & author
All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper.
(1938 – ) film critic & former television co-host
About Marlon Brando
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me; just the other night she called me from a hotel.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.
(1919 – 2000) Canadian prime minister & politician
Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.
Orson Scott Card
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact.
Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator
My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.
Jim Jordan (1896 – 1988) American radio comedian (of Fibber McGee & Molly)
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant.
(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian
There's nothing wrong with you that a vasectomy of the vocal cords wouldn't fix.
(1944 – ) American author & novelist
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
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