Subject: Communication » Wordplay

Abstinence makes the heart go wander.

To eat is human, to digest, divine.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree; he is still bitter and twisted.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

The perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian

Racehorse: A barn athlete.

There was a young man from Peru

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

Yodeling: Slope opera.

Announce: Thirty grams or a sixteenth of a pound.

My piñata costume was a hit with the crowd

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

What's that up the road? … a head?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Geologist: Fault finder.

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

(1918 – 2009) radio broadcaster

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

You know who really gives kids a bad name? … Posh and Becks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.

Incest is relatively boring.

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

(1946 – ) American comedian

Should not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers Society of, The?

(1929 – 2009) British novelist, newspaper columnist & television writer

I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders… I hate necks.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

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