Subject: Conflict

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

(1799 – 1850) French novelist & playwright

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I haven’t heard the president state that we’re at war… that’s why I too am not knowing… do we use the term intervention?… do we use war?… do we use squirmish?… what is it?

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author

If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian

All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

At their core, women fear that men will kill them; at their core, men fear that women will laugh at them.

(1954 – ) security specialist, advisor & author

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

One of my friends went on a murder weekend… now he is doing life for it.

(1961 – ) English standup comedian, actor & writer

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn’t there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

America never lost a war or won a peace conference.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Woman Charged With Stealing Underwear, Cheese

I'd rather fight than score.

Canadian hockey player
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