Subject: Conflict

Shoplifter Who Soiled Clothes Fails to Wipe Record Clean

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

America never lost a war or won a peace conference.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I will personally challenge anyone who wants to get rid of fighting to a fight.

American-Canadian hockey executive

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

Dick Cheney says he loves California… out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

How is it possible to have a civil war?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion

Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

(c. 620 – 564 BC) Greek slave and author of over 600 fables

You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.

It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first thing you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series

(1966 – ) American journalist & novelist

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

We know how much fans enjoy a good brawl, so we are going to guarantee a fight. If there is not a single five-minute fighting major given to a player, every fan in attendance will receive a free ticket to the following home game.

All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

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