Subject: Conflict

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping; men invade another country.

(1952 – ) comedian

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian

You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Hockey’s the only place where a guy can go nowadays and watch two white guys fight.


(1938 – ) American sportswriter & novelist

I know a baseball star who wouldn't report the theft of his wife's credit cards because the thief spends less than she does.

(1926 – 2016) American baseball player, announcer & television host

Smart bombs have bad days too.

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

War has become a luxury that only small nations can afford.

(1906 – 1975) German-born American political theorist

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

(1956 – ) American comedian

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

(1962 – ) comedian, actor, voice actor, screenwriter, & film & television director

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

(1876 – 1967) German statesman

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Black folk ain't going to kill over and over and over again; that's too much like work; that's a career.

(1963 – ) American comedian

You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that its against the law.

Kill: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
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