Subject: Conflict

How is it possible to have a civil war?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.

Insider trading: Stealing too fast.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

Most people assume the fights are going to be the left versus the right, but it always is the reasonable versus the jerks.

(1966 – ) entrepreneur, founder of Wikipedia

An Iranian moderate is one that has run out of ammunition.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar

The Falklands incident was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb.

(1899 – 1986) Argentine writer, essayist, poet & translator

Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal.

(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General

Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ‘30s… as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% change of getting away with it.

American comedian & writer

Recoilless rifles – aren’t.

As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.

(1932 – ) American businessman & U.S. Secretary of Defense

At this point we should just make it the 51st state: Welcome to Iraqachusetts: live free and die.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

'Bush and Son: Leading America to War Since 1990.'

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

As through this world I've wandered I've seen lots of funny men; some will rob you with a six-gun, and some with a fountain pen.

(1912 – 1967) American singer-songwriter & folk musician

It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first thing you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor

It's negative to think about blowing each other up.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals; she thought we just fought in world war eleven.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

When the Iraq war started … little did George Bush know.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor