Subject: Conflict

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Do you ever go into a store and you happen to be carrying something that they sell in that store and then start to get all paranoid that they're going to think that you stole it? … That happened to me recently at the gun store.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I can’t listen to that much Wagner… I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and selling your story to T.V.!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

(1936 – ) American politician, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

She changes prices. I caught her in a near misdemeanus.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.


(1934 – 2012) American army general

Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements… or, as the White House calls it, a press conference.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet

I married a German; every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.

I don't want to get so famous to where the guy who shoots me becomes famous.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate; and I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

He scored hockey by the number of fights. If you lost seven to one, but won five fights, he figured you won the game.

Canadian businessman, sportsman & owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs
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