Subject: Conflict

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Here's to Johnny quite a guy. Very sad he had to die. All was well could not be better, Till he wrote my girl a letter.

The Falklands incident was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb.

(1899 – 1986) Argentine writer, essayist, poet & translator

If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they only print your thumbs.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.

I don't want to get so famous to where the guy who shoots me becomes famous.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war… just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

(c. 620 – 564 BC) Greek slave and author of over 600 fables

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into [a store] and punched someone in the face.

English musician, actor, writer & comedian

Two mothers-in-law.

(1832 – 1900) Irish statesman

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

One of my friends went on a murder weekend… now he is doing life for it.

(1961 – ) English standup comedian, actor & writer

A Canadian is sort of like an American, but without the gun.

Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements… or, as the White House calls it, a press conference.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Never worry about the bullet with your name on it; instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant.’

You can build a throne with bayonets, but it’s difficult to sit on it.

I can’t listen to that much Wagner… I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and then selling your story to TV.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

The Hunger Site