Subject: Conflict » Crime

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Two mothers-in-law.

(1832 – 1900) Irish statesman

Pickpocket: A man who believes that every crowd has a silver lining.

If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they only print your thumbs.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Woman Charged With Stealing Underwear, Cheese

As through this world I've wandered I've seen lots of funny men; some will rob you with a six-gun, and some with a fountain pen.

(1912 – 1967) American singer-songwriter & folk musician

She changes prices. I caught her in a near misdemeanus.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

(1936 – ) American politician, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

Kleptomaniac: A person who helps himself because he can't help himself.

(1915 – 1994) American actor

Crime does not pay… as well as politics.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Shoplifting: Free enterprise.

On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators; on the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.

(1973 – ) American comedian

He has committed every crime that does not require courage.

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author

Shoplifter Who Soiled Clothes Fails to Wipe Record Clean

Kleptomaniac: A thief with breeding.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

I haven't committed a crime; what I did was fail to comply with the law.

(1927 – ) American mayor (New York City)

In New York every rainbow has an empty pot of gold at the end with a chalk outline of a dead leprechaun.

American radio and television personality, comedian & speaker

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

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