Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
View All Authors
I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
(1933 – ) American comic actor, director, screenwriter & author
As Jim in “Blazing Saddles”
They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people, but I think the guns help.
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.
(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Nobel Peace Prize
Murderers – stop murdering; everyone will die eventually… just sit down and be patient.
(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer
Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.
As Francis ‘Psycho’ Soyer in “Stripes”
You can’t say civilization don’t advance, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
The real trouble with war (modern war) is that it gives no one a chance to kill the right people.
(1885 – 1972) expatriate American poet & critic
Kill: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
(1956 – ) American comedian
Toughest time in life
I think if the postal service had any balls, they would issue a series of stamps commemorating all the people who have been killed by mailmen.
The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.
(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'
(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
I don't want to get so famous to where the guy who shoots me becomes famous.
Michael ‘Geechy Guy’ Cathers
(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian
We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder?… 'cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
I got a cousin who's a psychotic with low self-esteem; he only wants to assassinate the vice president.
television writer, producer & director
Page 1 of 2
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com