Subject: Conflict » Killing

I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

(1933 – ) American comic actor, director, screenwriter & author

They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people, but I think the guns help.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Murderers – stop murdering; everyone will die eventually… just sit down and be patient.

(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.

American actor

You can’t say civilization don’t advance, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

The real trouble with war (modern war) is that it gives no one a chance to kill the right people.

(1885 – 1972) expatriate American poet & critic

Kill: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I think if the postal service had any balls, they would issue a series of stamps commemorating all the people who have been killed by mailmen.


The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

I don't want to get so famous to where the guy who shoots me becomes famous.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder?… 'cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

I got a cousin who's a psychotic with low self-esteem; he only wants to assassinate the vice president.

television writer, producer & director
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