Subject: Conflict » Killing

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.


If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

You can’t say civilization don’t advance, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Black folk ain't going to kill over and over and over again; that's too much like work; that's a career.

(1963 – ) American comedian

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… 'Oh, honey – that's up to Mommy, isn't it?'

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.

American actor

Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.

The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder?… 'cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

(1933 – ) American comic actor, director, screenwriter & author

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Kill: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The real trouble with war (modern war) is that it gives no one a chance to kill the right people.

(1885 – 1972) expatriate American poet & critic
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