Subject: Conflict » Killing

I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

(1933 – ) American comic actor, director, screenwriter & author

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.

American actor

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I don't want to get so famous to where the guy who shoots me becomes famous.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

Black folk ain't going to kill over and over and over again; that's too much like work; that's a career.

(1963 – ) American comedian

The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet

My Dad always told me there’s three things you need to have in the boot of your car: a blanket, a shovel and a flask; and he’s right – because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m parched.

(1975 – ) English comedian

Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.

At their core, women fear that men will kill them; at their core, men fear that women will laugh at them.

(1954 – ) security specialist, advisor & author

Kill: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The real trouble with war (modern war) is that it gives no one a chance to kill the right people.

(1885 – 1972) expatriate American poet & critic

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I got a cousin who's a psychotic with low self-esteem; he only wants to assassinate the vice president.

television writer, producer & director

They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people, but I think the guns help.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder?… 'cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.