Subject: Conflict » Killing

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

I believe that forgiving them is God’s function; our job is to arrange the meeting.

(1934 – 2012) United States Army general

I think if the postal service had any balls, they would issue a series of stamps commemorating all the people who have been killed by mailmen.


If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars.

(1936 – 1989) American social & political activist

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people, but I think the guns help.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

Black folk ain't going to kill over and over and over again; that's too much like work; that's a career.

(1963 – ) American comedian

All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.

American actor

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

(1956 – ) American comedian

If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder?… 'cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

At their core, women fear that men will kill them; at their core, men fear that women will laugh at them.

(1954 – ) security specialist, advisor & author

I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

(1933 – ) American comic actor, director, screenwriter & author

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

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