Subject: Conflict (Page 13)

The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet

It’s better to be tried by twelve men than to be carried by six.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway and he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students… there were no survivors.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Pacifist: A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fight.

God is usually on the side of the big squadrons against the small.

(1618 – 1693) French memoirist

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I know we were buddies because he threatened to kill me on no fewer than three occasions, and he did that only to his friends.

(1935) British film director, producer & food critic

Mugger: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

An Iranian moderate is one that has run out of ammunition.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar

War is God's way of teaching us geography.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist