Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Conflict
(Page 13)
The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.
William Shakespeare
(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Government
Killing
Law
Lawyers
It’s better to be tried by twelve men than to be carried by six.
The Cop’s Law
Conflict
Crime
Death
Government
Law
Murphy’s Laws
Natalie Chapman)
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Age
Conflict
Friends
Killing
People
Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Arms
Entertainment
Music
Savage Beast
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
Murphy's Third Military Law
Military
Murphy’s Laws
War
Combat
Danger
Officer
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway and he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict
Crime
Police
Subway
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Conflict
Eating
Fights
Food/Drink
Life
Success
You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.
Al Capone
(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Arms
Characteristics
Things
Kindness
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students… there were no survivors.
Tina Fey
(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Arms
Conflict
Guns
NRA
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
American proverb
Conflict
Housework
Husbands
Marriage
Proverbs
Shot
Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Conflict
Crime
Money
Prisoners
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Arms
People
Things
Shoot
Tourist season
Pacifist: A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fight.
Anonymous
Conflict
Definitions
Fights
People
Pacifist
God is usually on the side of the big squadrons against the small.
Roger de Rabutin
(1618 – 1693) French memoirist
Conflict
God
War
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
Franz Kafka
(1883 – 1924) Czech writer
Conflict
Situations
Adversity
If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Conflict
Fights
Marriage
You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Arms
Speech
Things
Break-in
Shooting
I know we were buddies because he threatened to kill me on no fewer than three occasions, and he did that only to his friends.
Michael Winner
(1935) British film director, producer & food critic
Conflict
Friends
People
Young
On Burt Lancaster
Mugger: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
Crime
Definitions
Mugger
An Iranian moderate is one that has run out of ammunition.
Henry Kissinger
(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar
Arms
Conflict
Government
People
Places
Ammunition
Iran
War is God's way of teaching us geography.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Conflict
God
War
Geography
Page 13 of 17
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