Subject: Conflict (Page 14)

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Arms Characteristics Things

Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

Crime Definitions

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright
Conflict Government People

Don't lie, steal, or cheat unnecessarily.

Characteristics Conflict Honesty Murphy’s Laws

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.

Conflict Marriage Wives

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Conflict Girlfriends Killing People

Automatic weapons – aren’t.

Arms Military Murphy’s Laws

Wife Regrets Staying With Man She Killed

Conflict Headlines Wives

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Conflict Headlines

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children Conflict People

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime Places

The streets are safe in Philadelphia – it’s only the people who make them unsafe.

(1920 – 1991) American police officer & mayor of Philadelphia
Conflict Crime Misspokements Places

Tracers work BOTH ways.

Arms Military Murphy’s Laws

When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Conflict Government War

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Communication Family Fathers Killing Mothers Speech

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

Conflict Killing

I've had 117 fights and that's the first time I've ever won.

(1929 – ) American baseball player who had a well-publicized bipolar disorder
Baseball Conflict Fights Sports

When there’s a single thief, it's robbery; when there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.

Crime Government Taxes

At this point we should just make it the 51st state: Welcome to Iraqachusetts: live free and die.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
Conflict Government War

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Killing Situations

Army recruiter: Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That’s robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing.

Ziskey: Never convicted.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Crime TV/Movie Quotes