Subject: Conflict (Page 15)

Recoilless rifles – aren’t.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Cold War: Hot peace.

Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The perferator of the crime was apprehended by the police.

If you are going to have a fight with a visiting club, be sure to insult them the day they come to town, and not the last day of the series. It pays off better.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter

Murder is a crime – describing murder is not; sex is not a crime – describing sex is.

(1917 – 1999) American sexologist

If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they only print your thumbs.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Madonna said that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq; Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first.”

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Men love war because it allows them to look serious… it is the one thing that stops women laughing at them.

(1926 – 2005) English novelist & essayist

God invented football so grown men would have something to do between wars.

(1929 – ) American author & sportswriter

You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I do have some sad news to report: Bjork could not be here; she was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian