Subject: Conflict (Page 16)

You can’t say civilization don’t advance, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

Rugby League is war without the frills.

You might be a redneck if… you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators; on the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Kill: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

Two people fighting is not violence in hockey. It might be in tennis or bowling, but it's not in hockey.

Canadian hockey goalie & coach

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A Canadian is sort of like an American, but without the gun.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
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