Subject: Conflict (Page 4)

You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Army recruiter: Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That’s robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing.

Ziskey: Never convicted.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.

I don't want to get so famous to where the guy who shoots me becomes famous.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I haven't committed a crime; what I did was fail to comply with the law.

(1927 – ) American mayor (New York City)

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

My luck is getting worse and worse.. last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It’s better to be tried by twelve men than to be carried by six.

The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.

(1951 – ) American conservative radio talk-show host

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
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