Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there're more hoods than neighbors!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
, an American humor magazine
Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
(1874 – 1963) American poet
The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing; it's called the stock market.
(1950 – ) comedian & television host
I've had 117 fights and that's the first time I've ever won.
(1929 – ) American baseball player who had a well-publicized bipolar disorder
The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.
(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Peace: Co-existence or no no existence.
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they only print your thumbs.
Arthur ‘Bugs’ Baer
(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ‘30s… as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% change of getting away with it.
American comedian & writer
Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
The Falklands incident was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb.
Jorge Luis Borges
(1899 – 1986) Argentine writer, essayist, poet & translator
1982 Falklands War
I saved a girl from being attacked last night… I controlled myself.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Shoplifting: Free enterprise.
I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Tracers work BOTH ways.
A Murphy's Military Law
Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Kleptomaniac: A thief with breeding.
(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.
(1956 – ) American comedian
Run & jump
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