Subject: Conflict (Page 5)

God invented football so grown men would have something to do between wars.

(1929 – ) American author & sportswriter

Go to L.A. – they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green.

American stand-up comedian

Those who hammer their guns into ploughs will plough for those who do not.

(1743 – 1826) American Founding Father & 3rd U.S. president

Here's to Johnny quite a guy. Very sad he had to die. All was well could not be better, Till he wrote my girl a letter.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

If I play badly I’ll pick a fight in the third, just to get into a fight. I’ll break a guy’s leg to win, I don’t care. Afterward I say, ‘Yeah, all right I played badly, but I won the fight so who gives a damn.'

Canadian hockey player

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Mugger: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

L.A. is very dangerous; I carry a gun in my car, that way, in case the police stop me, I can fend them off until the press gets there.

American actor & writer

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

It's negative to think about blowing each other up.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.


(1885 – 1945) U.S. Army general

Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people, but I think the guns help.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Man should stop fighting among themselves and start fighting insects.

(1849 – 1926) American botanist & horticulturist

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

(1955 – ) Mexican-American comedian & actor

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

At this point we should just make it the 51st state: Welcome to Iraqachusetts: live free and die.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor