Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.
As Francis ‘Psycho’ Soyer in “Stripes”
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
The sloppier the rebel uniform, the more likely the overthrow of the existing government.
We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.
If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
A Murphy's Military Law
Rugby League is war without the frills.
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.
Joe Bob Briggs
(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor
Black folk ain't going to kill over and over and over again; that's too much like work; that's a career.
(1963 – ) American comedian
I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Kleptomaniac: A thief with breeding.
(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.
(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them.
(1936 – ) novelist, essayist & columnist
At their core, women fear that men will kill them; at their core, men fear that women will laugh at them.
Gavin de Becker
(1954 – ) security specialist, advisor & author
Murder is a crime – describing murder is not; sex is not a crime – describing sex is.
(1917 – 1999) American sexologist
Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn’t there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?
(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
George W. Bush
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
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