Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, insults, proverbs & much more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
If it is worth fighting for, it is worth fighting dirty for.
Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day…. so don’t forget to set your clock back 100 years.
(1973 – ) American comedian, actor & television host
Shoplifter Who Soiled Clothes Fails to Wipe Record Clean
In Keokuk IA
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
The Falklands incident was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb.
Jorge Luis Borges
(1899 – 1986) Argentine writer, essayist, poet & translator
1982 Falklands War
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Honoré de Balzac
(1799 – 1850) French novelist & playwright
Do you ever go into a store and you happen to be carrying something that they sell in that store and then start to get all paranoid that they're going to think that you stole it? … That happened to me recently at the gun store.
(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Murphy's Fourth Military Law
Right of way
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
I am at two with nature.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Interviewer: Can you imagine yourself killing another human.Sedaris: Not a stranger.
(1956 – ) American humorist, comedian & author
Pacifist: A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fight.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate; and I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist
American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them.
(1936 – ) novelist, essayist & columnist
My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.
A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.
cartoon character in
Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and then selling your story to TV.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
, an American humor magazine
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